WASHINGTON DC THE UNITED STATES HAS indicated that it is not planning on toppling any more leaders, for now, unless their country has a decent supply of something essential like oil or gold or spray tan. “We don’t just take out tyrants, or crappy leaders,” said a State Department spokesperson. “Otherwise, otherwise California’s Newsom would…

LONDON, ENGLAND FEVERISH GOSSIP ABOUT a coup in Britain’s Labour Party, which would see Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer removed from power by his own colleagues, has given rise to a rumour that the plotters have actually asked Donald Trump to organize his kidnap from 10 Downing Street. “The rumour is so strong right now,…

FROM ENTERTAINMENT WRITER, ULICK ‘BOY’ WAISTBAND A TOP PSYCHIATRIST has suggested that reunion concert tours by Irish boy band Boyzone, should carry health warnings, after the group’s lead singer, Ronan Keating said that a full tour with his former mates would be ‘incredibly unhealthy’. “I don’t always find myself in agreement with Ronan Keating but…

CARACAS RUMOURS THAT AMERICAN special forces were waiting for Nicolas Maduro when he fled to his panic room have been supported by reports that he was met with the line: “Happy New Year, Motherfucker!” “US special operations is known for its super-jock culture, and details of Mr Maduro legging it to a panic room only…

DUBLIN IRELAND MAY EVENTUALLY need to either expel the US multinationals that have brought the country so much prosperity in recent decades, or ask Donald Trump to force them out, says a leading economic thinker. “Because, as the money continues to pour in from these modern gold mines, Ireland increasingly seems to be suffering from…

BEIJING CHINESE STRONG MAN Xi Xinping has alleged sent a message of thanks to President Donald Trump for showing how Taiwan might be taken. The Chinese leadership insists that it has no immediate plans to invade Taiwan, not until the various indictments are drawn up anyway. “We will probably put a trillion dollars on the…

FLORIDA A MISTAKEN PRESS release claiming Nicolas Maduro was manufacturing weapons of mass destruction, has been withdrawn by the United States after a mix-up saw an old document, dating back twenty years, find its way on to a podium and be partially read out to reporters. “Hey maybe he was,” remarked the spin doctor in…

CARACAS “WELL, IT WOULD be a way to save Australia from becoming another Venezuela, and once we had him in office we would just have him going all over the world having his photograph taken.” So said a junior White House official when asked who might run Venezuela for the Americans now that they have…

WIRE SERVICES PRESIDENT NICOLAS MADURO of Venezuela was not playing some kind of simulated video game while in US captivity, according to law enforcement sources. “The glasses are simply that; the bottle of water is just what it looks like. He’s sitting there, shackled waiting for his day in court. Or whatever, ” said a…

TEHRAN IRANIAN PROTESTS HAVE gotten so bad that news has leaked from the Persian Gulf of leading Mullahs sending secret messages to Donald Trump asking him to snatch them out of their country. “The Mullahs have seen what Trump did with Nicolas Maduro and have asked Washington to send helicopters to get them out before…