BY ARCHAEOLOGY EDITOR, MONTANA SMITH JNR THE DISCOVERY of a new three hundred thousand year old humanoid skull in China has sent shock waves through the English upper classes. For centuries the English aristocracy has believed it was forged in battles like Hastings, Crecy, Agincourt and Waterloo; and honed in the strict traditions of public…

FROM ROBERTO JUNTA IN GOOSE GREEN HAVING RUN into difficulty with the optics of sending asylum seekers to Rwanda, a country with a human rights record worse than Treblinka, the British Government believed it had the perfect solution to all those pesky foreigners turning up on its shores – send them down to the South…

BY WAR AS ENTERTAINMENT CORRESPONDENT “WE’RE RUSHING TO have it ready by November, when we anticipate the various participants should be in the mood to go for each other with a vengeance. It all hangs on the length of the Great Ukrainian Counter-Offensive (GUCO) really.” So says Charles Charmlyss-Neokon, a London-based international television game show…

BELGRADE, THURSDAY “POISSON FROID!” Luc Avantgarde is a man who shoots from the hip. Mostly because he is in a wheelchair following a near-death encounter with a grizzly bear in northern Canada. The French climate scientist, who predicted that the combination of hot July weather and overcrowded tourism might cause fires in southern Europe this…

CENSORSHIP EDITOR HUNDREDS OF STAFF AT SATIRICAL NEWSPAPER THE KOOKABURRA BUGLE – YOUR WAKE UP CALL GAVE THREE CHEERS WHEN THEIR SITE WAS BLOCKED BY MESSENGER FOR OFFENDING AGAINST ITS VALUES. “WE’RE OVERWORKED AND UNDERPAID HERE AT THE BUGLE, AND FRANKLY TREATED LIKE SLAVES,” SAID A UNION SPOKESPERSON. “MESSENGER HAS DONE US A GREAT FAVOR…

BY GONZO FREISPYCH, ROVING TRUTH TO POWER EDITOR “IT’S REALLY ALL OVER bar the shouting!” The words of NATO spokesperson Jan Spin-Ganda, we are told, come drenched in the blood of thousands of fleeing Russian cowards. The battlefield is now fully shaped, the drive to the Sea of Azov awaits, the smell of salt water…

SCIENTISTS AND SPACE EDITOR A NUCLEAR WARHEAD, said to have been made with plutonium stolen by German agents and then fired at Russian troop concentrations in Germany, has turned up on Mars, according to secret Pentagon files found in a fast food restaurant rest room last week. A NASA rover, exploring the red planet, is…

BELGRADE, THURSDAY MUCH OF THE REFUGEE flow out of Ukraine has been caused, not by fear of Russia, but by the inflow of NATO personnel into the country, says independent conflict monitoring service The Call of Booty. “The arrival of huge numbers of advisers, spies, engineers, propaganda hacks, gun-runners and the like, has driven rents…

EDUCATION REPORTERS AND GENDER EDITOR “WOULD THAT EVEN SCAN?” Olivier Burton Truffaut, who teaches English Literature at a French University, says that two of his ancestors were killed at The Battle of Agincourt: “Murdered after they were taken prisoner, by Les Anglais on the orders of Henri Cinq.” But still he is horrified at a…

FINANCE DESK STORIES OF UK banks refusing accounts to people whose opinions are deemed objectionable, have led to a proposal that such woke institutions be relabeled “Wanks” as a warning to people who might find service refused or accounts closed. “The public has a right to know which financial institutions are driven by woke values…